owe it to some of you

i should have given a logical end to my blog if i stopped when i left India, and had a baby. After 8 years, it would have seemed fair and looked like the proverbial,'She lived happily ever after'. i continued however, and it doesn't seem right to end abrubtly. i owe it to some of you, who have been reading me for so long. So, i am thinking i must continue, but i would like to change the settings of my blog, and open it to invited readers only. Please do leave your email address at arunima at gmail dot com if you would want to be invited. To those of you with whom i am not comfortable sharing my life anymore with, i bid adieu. Thanks for reading Silent Eloquence, and i hope 2013 is good for you.

give me

Dear festival of lights,

This year has been about rounds and rounds of hospital visits, from emergency rooms to the scheduled ones. We are just back from an emergency room visit at midnight and subsequent hospitalization. The old adage that health is wealth is so true. From darkness to light, from despair to hope, lead us to good health. If this is destiny, grant me the strength and the grace to face it.

accidents

Accidents happen. Sometimes, they are called diaper leakage.

words

Baby

Anxiety

Tenderness

Miracle   

Peace

Love 

 

Delight

Fascination

Joy

and again

The tyres screeched and then a bang! My baby started crying suddenly. i cannot put in words what i felt in that second. Thank God, nothing happened. Well, the car behind us had rear-ended our car. We were at an intersection, stopping at a red signal. With the baby, S is a very careful driver. The other driver apologised profusely, but it has left me a little shaken about taking him out. i wanted to hug him and pacify, but you cannot remove the baby from the car-seat immediately. This might be just the heart of a mother, but the most painful road safety rule in the U.S is not being able to hold your child while you are driving. Yet, i have to thank the car-seat for the safety of my child in that accident. If he was in my arms, he could have been hurt.

We  moved to Illinois at the end of July and S is yet to get his driving license from here. If we report to the police, it goes against the car and the driver that the car has been in an accident no matter whose fault. We were worried that this may hinder S from getting the license and decided not to report, and go via the insurance. i still do not know how to drive (this has been my new year resolution for many years. Darn, i make it like going to mars), and S has been doing all the driving for every small thing. As new parents, we are also struggling with the baby and trying to get to a routine.

i don't know if it is the hormones; after the baby, i have been crying for every small thing. So, let me cry for what could have happened (my baby could have been hurt), what did not happen (o thank God, we are all safe), and what happened (it is our brand new car and we need to change the bumper and some parts).

To release tension, i called up mother-in-law and reported the incident. The conversation went to another direction about God and me not praying enough or offering enough to God as i had been bed-ridden once after an accident. i am spiritual, but not too much into homas and pujas. S was pissed with me for instigating this to the mom-in-law and made me sound like a hypocrite. Going forward, all tension will be released on my blog.

A friend had suggested we go for apple picking this weekend to some place which is an hour's drive from here. i have decided to pick apples from the refrigerator instead.

when you have a baby

When you have a baby: 

• You stand in front of the mirror at midnight and chop your long tresses off because you forgot when was the last time you washed it.
• Having a nice shower is a luxury and 11pm, 12 or, sometimes 1 am is the right time.
• You are changing all the time - the diaper, the clothes, or the bibs.
• The baby is smelling fresh and nice while you smell... nevermind!
• You wonder what is sleep, and you can do it while sitting.
• You are confident that someday you can sleep while standing too.
• Rock a bye baby is classic rock, and bloody mary and her lamb is suddenly all so important.
• Tummy time is olympics to you.
• You act like a clown to entertain the baby.
• The longest road trip is to the grocer.
• Sex is what you tick in a form as male/female/other.
• The universe and all the galaxies revolve around your little one.
• You feel disconnected when friends mail you about their problems in life.
• You click pictures of every gesture of the baby and send it to unsuspecting relatives.
• You don't know who cries more when baby gets vaccinated and stay awake the whole night to soothe the little one in your arms.

 

a song

Diaper diaper
diaper in the morning
diaper in the noontime
diaper diaper
diaper when the sun goes down
                                                    ~ Broke back mommy :-)

Mission - bathing the baby

i never knew bathing such a tiny person would take such a long time. The doc told us not to bathe the baby until his cord stump would fall off, and we should give him just a sponge bath, if at all. Baby's hair was not smelling good anymore and S and i were on a mission, 'bathe the baby'. We planned so much, and it was time for execution.
We set the room temperature right and S removed baby's clothes. (It took him forever). Then, we took him to the bathroom. The tubs that are available here has a mesh so that the baby's head would be supported by the tub and water would drip off easily. Ok, if we place the baby on the mesh, then how do we lift the head up? There is no space for that so, the baby has to be held by someone and the other has to bathe because if we pour water directly, it may go inside his ears. We could not decide whether to wash the body first or the head. (So much for planning) and while we were doing this, the baby pooped on S and some fell on the floor. S screamed out, 'do something'. What am i supposed to do! The focus suddenly went from baby to S and the floor. i ran and got some paper towels and wiped the floor. The baby, by this time was crying his lungs out as S has kept him dangling in the air. S handed him over to me and removed his shorts. i was visibly pissed as he had been concentrating on himself. i am his wife and i didn't really care in what state of undress he was, i wanted my baby to have a bath. S also found a towel and wrapped himself. i was so angry by then that my pout was about to reach India. S held him and we started bathing him. Baby was still crying and in that anxiety, i poured more water than required, which wet his ears. S reacted. We threw some unpleasant adjectives at each other. In the twenty minutes, we managed to wash only his hair and legs, and decided to leave the rest. My baby was just about 21 inches then. :-) We promised each other to plan better and also ignore smelly hair for sometime.

Now, it is a thing of the past and i bathe my baby effortlessly. It is fun remembering.

does it pain?

Baby farts loudly and cries with a start.

concerned mom: Why is he crying? Is he in pain?
cool dad: He must be startled by his own sound. Does it pain when you fart?

P.S: started typing a long post, but never got the time to finish. Just keeping the blog alive.

While I am lifting his legs and busy cleaning his bum, he sends out a pee projectile in the opposite direction and messes up the whole place all over again. Baby boys, I tell you!

My boy has started smiling and making choo chee sounds. I wish I was Karunanidhi in his powerful days. Would have called his sounds poetry and make it part of the state syllabus. Remember, his daughter Kanimozhi Karunanidhi's poems were in the state syllabus. It is a different thing that the moment Amma came to power, she scrapped it. lols

I have also gone back to my pre-pregnancy weight in just 6 weeks time. If I was some Aish, people would have spoken about it. I have no red carpet or media waiting for me, and I was not so keen on losing it so fast, but it has happened.
ok, I am running for now. more later. baby crying.

You +1'd this publicly. Undo

And there is joy

Blessed with a baby boy. After 24 hours of induced labour, i had to go through a C-section to have my little one. Haven't slept in days, and blogging seem too ambitious at this point in time, but i shall keep trying.

A love affair starts, where i will happily sacrifice. Cried the first time i saw and held him. After a trying and painful day, both mental and physical, there is hope when the little bundle sleeps or shows a hint of a smile.

Phew!

Thank God! Two weeks of stress and anxiety ended with S' report turning negative. (can't say how grateful or how relieved i am)

Now, i will wait for the baby peacefully. Too tired to write long posts, but wanted to update.
Thanks for the wishes.

Full term.
Well, almost and waddling
i must eat and he must not
The nasty process of cleaning up the insides
for science to play with the body
colonoscopy, endoscopy, and biopsy
sleepless night, long night
worried sick
five-star looking hospital that doesn't drive the fear away,
that doesn't make your loved one look any less vulnerable.
as if He shares a one-on-one relation with me among the billions and trillions
i pray
no, not ready for cancer
please say it is not.

silence

You come alive again as that forgotten memory
of silence.
i left because you wanted me to
And now you ask me if i miss you
i don't know how the days drag,
i don't even know if i miss you
but do you know the silence, the silence between two heart beats?
that silence is yours


P.S: The last post made me write this.

home thoughts

"The sea rocks have a green moss.
The pine rocks have red berries.
I have memories of you.

Speak to me of how you miss me.
Tell me the hours go long and slow.

Speak to me of the drag on your heart,
The iron drag of the long days.

I know hours empty as a beggar’s tin cup on a rainy day, empty as a soldier’s sleeve with an arm lost.

Speak to me … " ~ Carl Sandburg.

boy

You know what he did to his sister's summer assignments? He wrote 'very good' on every page with a tick mark. She had taken almost a month to fill up the workbook carefully and had to redo the whole thing in 5 days. He was in primary school then and meant well. i remember him as the fair, chubby, naughty, and very cute boy. There was a girl who used to carry him in her arms. i think she was his cousin's friend. He cried that he loved her and wanted to marry her. Whenever the relatives gather and he gets mentioned, we laugh over his childhood antics. One of my mom's favorite too, he used to say that mom rides an ill-fitting luna and didn't even notice him walking to school, smart and handsome. He collected the nose wax (mucous?) it seems. When his mom cleaned it off, he cried saying that he wanted to make a ball out of it. The courtyard used to be full of bows and arrows during the mahabharatha season on T.V as he and his cousins would be at war. He once asked his big daddy (uncle) to run without clothes in the rain with him as it would be fun. He was too cute that his big daddy laughed and said, "i would really love to do it, but your aunty will scold me". If the pestle and mortar were missing,  his mom would find something being grounded for some experiment, sometimes pieces of glass.  
i saw him last when mom left for Imphal. He was working for one of the airlines in Bangalore. i still felt funny remembering all that i had heard about him and to see him suddenly grown up. Smart in the uniform, it was a delight to see him. He loved famously too, and got engaged in January to be married early next year.

i called up his sister and came to know that he passed away on the 21st of Feb, suddenly. On Facebook, he still smiles beside John Abraham inside some flight. We had teased that he looks much more handsome. Sometimes, you don't know why things happen.

And then it came

i had been waiting for the snow to come. Finally, it did snow just for a day, as if it was meant only for me. It hasn't snowed this year and it is unlikely to happen again. i was thrilled to see it from the window. But it came on a day when i had my doctor's appointment at 8.15 am. It was tough to go out, take out the car and rush. All this while, i thought of snowman and rolling in the snow, making snowballs and singing ala Jaya Bachchan and Sanjeev Kumar, Logon na maaro inhe yahi to mera dildaar hai. When it did happen, i just smiled and cheered, but did none of the above and surprised S. Perhaps, it is my nesting instincts that is avoiding me from prancing around. i can see the concern in S' face too. Tells me i look very vulnerable in this state. Well, the snow was serene, beautiful, and also scary all at once. Perhaps, the next time, i will know what to do with it.

Shadows

"Most people think that shadows follow, precede, or surround beings or objects. The truth is that they also surround words, ideas, desires, deeds, impulses and memories." -Elie Wiesel, writer, Nobel laureate (b. 1928)
They also form your experiences and shape your opinion of the world many a times.
In an erstwhile organization that i worked for, there were talks about a lot of office affairs. Many people were not spared. There were a couple of bachelors and single women, who were close to each other. They were eligible and i guess people found them boring to talk about. The more interesting were the married kinds.   i was married and like to believe i was (am) still attractive, and i talk to guys frankly. So, i definitely fitted the bill. At times, i felt it would be a prestige issue if you are not being talked about.  As there were as many women as men in that department, the gossip did the rounds and all of us kept it together, but i realised at the helm of all of these, the source often happened to be someone whose personal life sucked, and thrived at gossiping about other people. As they say, nobody talks about the secret virtues of other people.

i am often close to male colleagues and end up being their agony aunt too. So, i was discussing this with S, an ex-colleague of mine. (He is married to a beautiful woman and has a son) He suddenly said,  i pity myself for not being able to have one of those affairs. i must join back to that organization and had me laughing in splits.  Anyway, this has given me some short story ideas and i am working on them now. Hope they see the light of day.

Having said all this, i shall give some gyaan if you are involved with someone at work. This is purely my personal opinion.

• Does your life suck so much that you couldn't find anyone outside the organization? lol! kidding!
• Even if you are the most eligible couple, first check out your company policy.
• I hope it is not your boss, or the boss' wife/husband. :-)
• Can you stand the person at work as well as at home? (if it culminates to marriage.)
• Be discrete. No need to paint the town or the office red with your love. People often come for the purpose of working in an office.
• If you are a couple, people may generally leave the two of you alone and not mingle at work. Are you ok with that?
• No PDAs please.
• It is hard whenever a relationship breaks, it will be harder if you have to see the person everyday. You may want mother earth to swallow you alive when that happens.
• If it is an extra-marital affair, God bless you! :-) Just remember, for any amount of chance that we get in life, there is always a choice that we can make. I don't want to be preachy, so i said, God bless you, but the world is full of beautiful and caring people. Doesn't mean we get involved with all of them. If you still think this was the second chance or the third that you so deserve in life, just remember every relationship requires an effort to make it work. Think future. And remember all the above bullet points.
• If it is a beautiful friendship that you share, nobody has the right to interfere. However, it is not wrong to introspect and see if you unknowingly crossed the line, or gave away too much fodder for gossip.

Sound and fury, and some romance

i thought 14th was 13th, but S wished me and i came to know i am behind time. Then the delivery boy got me a box with an indoor plant (the blue iris) in a planter with the following note and had me in tears.

For Arunima,
For the sound, the fury, and the color in my life.
      I love you.

From,
 S

You do know i have a wonderful husband and i was smart enough to marry him. Feel like doing the penguin dance for him. i look like a penguin these days and if they are cute, i must also be cute. Perhaps, i should do a Demi Moore. :-)

to pee or to pee

i dress up to go somewhere, then i need to pee. i go somewhere, i need to pee. i try to eat, i need to pee. i try to sleep, i need to pee. S and friends went for a movie, while i stayed back to pee. i want to move my bed to the restroom sometimes, just to pee.

Never get preggy, i tell you. It makes you pee, pee, and only pee.

april showers and may flowers

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young

Finally, i get the chance to lift up my feet and listen to songs. i am playing this song of Bob Dylan to my kid. :-) Love the lyrics. i am listening to the version sung by Audra Mae from "Sons of Anarchy".
Well, i am not bothered about the bike that i sent home. Bribed every possible person to get the work done. Now, i am thinking even if just the handle reaches home, i will consider my work done.

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young

i am staying in a very quiet place in the U.S.almost like the country side. Saw some specks of snow for the first time in my life, like snow dust. It hasn't really snowed this year though. It is very cold outside, but i try to walk daily for sometime to build up stamina. Hubby was scared seeing my size suddenly. Though he is responsible for the size, i understand it will be a shock to see a 10 kg increase suddenly.
May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

Feel really nice that i could meet my eldest brother. He came down to Bangalore for the first time and helped me wind up. He was very strict when we grew up and i often misunderstood him. This time, i could see my brother in a new light. He is suffering from depression, but he did all he could for his little sister. Took me all over Bangalore to finish all sorts of paper work. Prayers for him! Friends and strangers help you too, and i have relied on that kindness, but sometimes there is a price to pay for the help that you take from people. It gets mentioned in the worst of times as if you don't know they have helped. In the last 6 months, i faced it all. The last 6 months were my weakest, my most vulnerable and also, the strongest. Through tears, frustration, and perseverance, i survived it. Now, as they say i am waiting for April showers and May flowers. (i am due in May)

Hang in there

Hang in there, little one. i can hear you. Are you doing the salsa inside to cheer me up and lift my mood, to calm the head that has a never-ending list and forgotten to comb?

It is another 5 days, and 10 things to complete, but i know, i must. The list is made. It is only about striking them off and enjoying the feeling. When i am down, suddenly you kick and let me know that you are bursting with life, and give me reason to stay calm and hope, hope for everything that is beautiful and sweet. Longing to hold the little fingers and forget all pain. So for now, hang in there, little one. 

flying again

This New Year has been the most eventful one for me. i am flying again to the U.S. If i do not travel now, i might just be the next lady to appear in the papers for delivering on the flight while crossing some ocean or something. i want to be famous, but not for this. i have been setting up the house thinking S would be coming back, but we decided suddenly that it would be better if i do not work for sometime and be with him. My management has been very supportive at work that i feel terrible having to go.

Anyway, i had to get my broadband cancelled. BSNL exchange near my house just vanished. Me and my big brother went to 4 offices of BSNL to finally get my broadband and landline cancelled. My to-do list has never ended after that. i feel that even when i put one foot on the flight, i would still have something to finish before i leave. i put up ads and got a tenant for my flat, but 3 days after moving, they wanted to move out as the guy's office is shifting to another end of Bangalore. i don't know why it was happening to me. Living on my own during pregnancy was not enough, i had to pack, move house, find another tenant all over again. Now, the agreement process for rental has also changed and you need to get the docs Franked in the sub-registrar's office. Frankly, i didn't know what was Franking until now. i have got another couple now, and still have to do the rental agreement with them. Then my doc said, i need to get the fit-to-fly certificate only 48 hours before the flight. i fly on the 1st of feb, so i have to run to Columbia Asia, Hebbal all the way from the city center. Tried sending my two-wheeler home, and there too, i had to prove my foolishness by giving all the keys, and original docs to the guy. Colleagues chided me, i lost sleep and ran behind that guy to give me back the original docs again. Typing the events out is much easier than what i actually went through. i am yet to get the NOC from the RTO, and wrap up many more things before i leave Bangalore. i am in my 6th month of pregnancy now. The baby has been kicking too. i guess i am supposed to be feeling calm, listening to good music, eating good food, and relaxing. Other than the eating part, have done none of the above. i have only been praying that i reach the husband safe and sound. Don't want to end on a negative note. So, for some cheer, i have an amazing boss and very good colleagues. Imagine my plight if it was an evil boss behind my neck to finish a lot of work in the office too. My responsibilities have been eased. i get work-from-home option for many days a week, and colleagues support me in many of the things that i listed, with their know-hows and contacts. Sulekha and Commonfloor have been amazing sites to rent out my place. i couldn't sleep the night  my newly found tenant told me that they are moving out. They were themselves very upset as it was announced suddenly. And at 2 am, i still couldn't sleep and sang out loud, "Zindagi ka safar hai ye kaisa safar"  It was apt for my situation. 

that mail to Femina

i saw my mail to Femina when i visited the parlour a few weeks back. Was pleasantly surprised that they had highlighted the mail. i had a bad experience with how they handle the winning letters and do not feel like mailing them again, but i managed to click a pic of the mail for record's sake.

my true colours

The idea of a life without a child did not scare me one bit. i was OK with or without it as S often said, we could do much more for poorer relatives and under-privileged children that way, and we could roam the world. However, the accident changed everything for me. i hit the ground on my butts and the impact left my lower body in so much pain. i don't know from where, but the fear that i may in fact, never have a baby appeared to me suddenly. i remember being rushed to the nearest health center first. i was almost delirious and asked for a gynaec to see if everything is fine. My colleagues came rushing. Looking back, i am quiet embarrassed at how i cried and told them, (many of them males) about my fears and how i had summoned a gynaec. i was not as much bothered about how many bones were broken, but whether anything was wrong inside. i did not even get the word Uterus, but told the doc that my vagina and everything around it is paining. How embarrassing!  how embarrasing! i was shifted to a good ortho hospital and there too, i made the Director of my department ask the same question to the doc.

Well, then S travelled. i asked him to get me pregnant before he left when i could barely stand. Obviously, he refused. :-) So, my main intention when i went to the U.S was only to get pregnant. Like many bloggers who disclose only after the baby is born, i wanted to do that. But i guess that is not my personality. i have been managing the past 5 months of pregnancy on my own and if i do not disclose it on my blog, where else would i? i have bouts of depression and frustration at times, but i am extremely thankful to God and all my colleagues and friends who have supported me in these months.

On a funny note, when i met with the accident, i thanked God that i wore nice panties. i wondered if i had worn boring ones, how embarrasing it would be had i died and they had to conduct a post-mortem. Also, my Line of Busniess lead took them off for me, and the director of my department (both ladies) put it back as i had to take x-rays of the fractured hip bone. Some lucky panty i say! Should frame it up for sweet memories
:-)

not the right post for the new year

They say, writers are very lonely people in the head. i think i qualify that. Even in a crowd, i can be very lonely, though as a person i seem quite chirpy. My inner self is dark, very dark. i had every intention of deleting every post i had written so far. At a level, they seem so unrelated. what pleasure i would get out of it, i don't know. it is not even to begin life anew by deleting what is old, it is to lament in self-pity that something is gone. You may say, i can hurt. Yes, i can and i can hurt myself the most.

“They cannot scare me with their empty spaces

Between stars—on stars where no human race is.

I have it in me so much nearer home

To scare myself with my own desert places.”

― Robert Frost