Tuesday, September 28, 2004

of woman and climax

"I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic -- in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself."

~Anais Nin. March 25, 1933 from Incest

"Man can never know the kind of loneliness a woman knows. Man lies in a woman's womb only to gather strength, he nourishes himself from this fusion, and then he rises and goes into the world, into his work, into battle, into art. He is not lonely. He is busy. The memory of the swim in amniotic fluid gives him energy, completion. The woman may be busy too, but she feels empty. Sensuality for her is not only a wave of pleasure in which he has bathed, and a charge of electric joy at contact with another. When man lies in her womb, she is fulfilled, each act of love is a taking of man within her, and act of birth and rebirth, of child bearing and man bearing. Man lies in her womb and is reborn each time anew with a desire to act, to BE. But for a woman, the climax is not in the birth, but in the moment when man rests inside of her."

May 25, 1932 from The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Volume One 1931-1934

Monday, September 27, 2004


ouch! I can't even sit properly. Have been parking myself in different angles on my seat from the past so many hours. Every tendon, ligament, muscle in my body is aching. I guess I am having a tennis elbow too. No, not because of holding a heavy bat, playing too much or being over-burdened by endorsements. It's something else.

Applied Moov for J. She asked me, 'Your body isn't aching at all?' I said no, and today I couldn't peel myself off the bed.

well, we are on the verge of becoming (dance)professionals. Mr. A asked us if we are interested to join the professional group. Took it as a privilege as we will be sharing the same platform with the group I had admired in one of my earlier post.

The warm-up session was terrible. Made us split and hold ourselves in that position. breathe-in this way, breathe-out that way. Jump, kick and God knows what? We were left panting only after the warm-up itself. Mr. S, the instructor for free-style made us dance out of our skins for almost 4-5 hours. If dancing is a joke then, it's not funny.

Then, again we were confronted with many questions,'Are you gonna be the extras in movies?', 'Are you gonna be item girls?','Are you gonna be like Saroj Khan, or Farha Khan?' No, none of the above as I guess I don't have what it takes to be one of them.

I will perform for the sheer pleasure of it when it doesn't collide with my office work. Leaving a few students, others are working. Two other girls are Software Engineers,one is a television actress (very pretty) and then there is me and J. Nice to know that there are people like us who take up a hobby seriously.

Wanted to learn the guitar too but, that has to wait now. Thought it would be fun playing 'tweng-tweng' all out of tune songs till the wee hours and test people's endurance or get pickled.

Haven't informed my parents though. All my mom will tell is, 'Who will marry you?' I am trying to work that out too mommy:-)

Sunday, September 26, 2004


"It is the the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
~ Pooja Bedi

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Malpe Beach

"How big the sea is and how small we are!" "You expected the sea to be smaller than you?" There, she pricked my bubble of creative impulse. We giggle and kick each other, do a titanic with hands outstretched, run around, get wet. Feel the sand, at our feet, dress, everywhere… Eat Bhel, sit quite and observe. Admire the St. Mary’s island, ripe-green with promise at the distance and the boats going towards it. Try to discipline the knots in the hair teased by the breeze around. Burn off a stick each of Rothmans King size supposedly mild and meant for ladies given by somebody to whom somebody had given. Decide it’s too old an age to start a bad habbit. Nothing great about doing it or not doing it.

Get up again to run towards the surging waves and away from it. Dance in rhythm a la Sharukh and Kajol in Baazigar, act hawaiin, eye a couple and how the guy give up his right to die in some adventure as his wife forbid him to go deeper into the sea. Everytime his camera turn our side; we pose far behind the lady, happy to be the scenery in a perfect picture with a spurious air of gaiety.

Leave imperfectly perfect footprints on the sand; write romantically with our toes ‘A+B+C+D’, ’J loves… the beach’ (no better lines. Sigh!) and await the buoyant waves to wash it again. Laugh with gay abandon over what we wrote.

The skies invite themselves to our merry-making with tactical ploy and shoot raindrops from above. Everything becomes one and united, the sea, the sand, the trees, the breeze, the clouds, the rains.

We rush to the resort, ’Paradise Isle’ with rippling enthu, sit by the open pane and look again at the vast expanse, the fleet of boats embarked on the bank, the sun coming out shyly safe now from pursuit and capture by the clouds.

scoop down our icecreams laden with fruits, fresh and dry, caramels and a lot of nuts.

Malpe Beach, Udupi. No photographs, only memories!

Allowed myself to be bewildered. Stopped to question and never ceased to observe.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Bangalore to Udupi

My Kannada has improved over the years. First I said only 'left, right' to autowallas. Now I can say 'Go left, Go right'. I was extremely confident about myself and so I wondered why is this brother-sister duo acting as if I am going for an expedition to the moon in some NASA spaceship?'. I guess I made the mistake of telling them that I am travelling alone by road for the first time. Got my answer sooner than latter.

'Where are you?' 'I am in front of Hotel Brindavan.' 'I told you Ajantha not Brindavan.'' Err! I thought Brindavan was Ajantha. I am going towards it now.'

Having never missed an opportunity to take leave before, I couldn't join 'J' few days earlier to her home town. Gave my best professionally cute application and managed a days off to stop 'J' from complaining that I don't plan to visit her unless I have other friends to think of.

Her brother spoke to the Conductor and told him where I am supposed to change the bus and where I am bound to be despatched like a parcel tag and all. Couldn't complain as I have been behaving like one. Remembered my mom instructing the driver of my school van, 'She left her bag in the school yesterday. We had to go and fetch it again. Please just check when she comes home'

My seat was the first one on the left, diagonal to the drivers butt. I didn't have a co-passenger by my side but whoever oveheard Jeevan instructing the conductor became suddenly kind and helpful. When it was time for me to change the bus, almost three of them told me I have reached. Again, I was left waiting for the route no. 2 bus being instructed by the first conductor to their staff in that stop.

Embarassingly overwhelmed with people's kindness, I was received with hugs by 'J' and Aunty the next day.

Monday, September 13, 2004


My eyes are squinted,
my steps have faltered
but I have never stopped looking your way.

I am cursed never to part with your memory
I am cursed by it's obstinance to etch deep.
now, I no more even want to try.

I miss you,
I miss us
now, I even miss the tears and the agony it gave.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

I saw ...

I saw
  • a couple in rags sitting by the roadside, sharing a meal from a plastic bag placed on a newspaper
  • a lady almost 8 months pregnant, begging. Does she have a home or a husband to go back to?
  • a couple fighting. She fumed,’Are u deaf?’ He kept of walking ahead without a word.
  • a few girls doing some kind of gymnastic. Are they safe in the streets? Child molestors and rapists do not come with horns. Worst still, will they give themselves up for a meal or a few sums of rupees?
  • a couple walking hand in hand. The lady had polio. Her husband walked slowly with her in their own pace unmindful of the mad rush around them.
  • a baby girl standing in front of her mom’s two-wheeler, balloon in hand. The balloon suddenly went afloat a few metres, fell on the ground and bursted. Both mom and kid craned their necks to see it. Mom looked at her kid’s face again. She looked more disappointed than her little one. Mothers!
I tasted a slice of life.