Sound and fury, and some romance

i thought 14th was 13th, but S wished me and i came to know i am behind time. Then the delivery boy got me a box with an indoor plant (the blue iris) in a planter with the following note and had me in tears.

For Arunima,
For the sound, the fury, and the color in my life.
      I love you.

From,
 S

You do know i have a wonderful husband and i was smart enough to marry him. Feel like doing the penguin dance for him. i look like a penguin these days and if they are cute, i must also be cute. Perhaps, i should do a Demi Moore. :-)

On women's day

i open your wardrobe. i get a faint smell of you, warm and fresh. Wonder how you remain smelling good throughout the day even when i cannot do it. i close the wardrobe immediately, fearing the smell would fade. It was my wish to stay back and hold on to my job. Thank you for understanding, and giving me that space.

The house seem big and the bed even bigger. i miss curling up to you, i miss you keeping my feet warm, i miss you reaching out for me and for my hands; even when you are asleep.  i miss the talk and updates between morsels of rice, and also the cleaning together after dinner. i miss the small pleasure of watching movies together on the laptop. i have not finished "band of brothers" because we started it together and we couldn't continue. i miss you complimenting me, and forcing you to compliment. i miss you saying,"You look really nice. For tomorrow also, 'You look really nice'. So, don't ask. :-) ". i miss the weekend evenings on our balcony, you on the guitar and me singing out of tune, over chicken and drinks. Now, i stand in the balcony all alone, and look at the lights trailing in the distance from vehicles, only the cool night breeze and my thoughts for company. Everything seem so distant. i miss the financial planning and THE financial planning and the financial planning over and over again.

The days go on. i keep myself busy. Work is cool. Colleagues are good. The pay is nice. i am managing well, but through it all, i have missed you.  i hope this separation pays off.

And today is the day we celebrate Women's day. The woman that i am, the woman that i want to be somehow doesn't add up without you. i pray the months fly, and i could be with you as soon as possible.

Ad Finem-Poetry

On the white throat of useless passion

That scorched my soul with its burning breath

I clutched my hands in murderous fashion,

And held them close in a grip of death;

For why should I fan, or feed with fuel,

A love that showed me but blank despair ?

So my hold was firm, and my grasp was cruel—

I meant to strangle it then and there!

I thought it was dead. But with no warning,

It rose from its grave last night, and came

And stood by my bed til the early morning

And over and over it spoke your name.

Its throat was red where my hands had held it;

It burned my brow with its scorching breath;

And I knew the moment my eyes beheld it,

"A love like this can know no death."

For just one kiss that your lips have given

In the lost and beautiful past to me,

I would gladly barter my hopes of Heaven

And all the bliss of Eternity.

For never a joy are the angels keeping,

To lay at my feet in Paradise,

Like that into your strong arms creeping,

And looking into your love-lit eyes.

I know, in the way that sins are reckoned,

This thought is a sin of the deepest dye ;

But I know too if an angel beckoned,

Standing close by the Throne on High,

And you, adown by the gates infernal,

Should open your loving arms and smile,

I would turn my back on things supernal,

To lay on your breast a little while.

To know for an hour you where mine completely——-

Mine in body and soul, my own——

I would bear unending tortures sweetly,

With not a murmur and not a moan.

A lighter sin or lesser error

Might change through hope or fear divine;

But there is no fear, and hell has no terror,

To change or alter a love like mine. ~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1850 -1919)

Falling in love

I love good beginnings, the prelude to good things in store, like for*play.

I love the falling in love bit more than being in love. Being in love needs labor and conviction. Falling in love doesn’t require anything, not even brains. Yet it keeps you on your toes and makes you behave like a blind rhino, lost but positive to find a way out.

The bubble wrap

As I waited for him at the airport, I went back in time to recollect if we had ever hugged. We had been friends from a very long time, but beyond the high fives and the pats on the back, we had never really touched each other. Oh yes, we had. We held hands in a school play. Thank God, I was the girl and he was the guy. Considering the way I was, I could have very much acted as a guy too. I have portrayed the role of a drunkard with élan and the trophy at home is witness to that.

I have hugged my boyfriends, I mean my friends who are boys, but I guess I have been a little reserved towards him from the beginning.

Suddenly, I could see his head and then the trolley. At one glance he saw me, and pushed the trolley towards me. Now that we were a couple, suddenly, I felt shy. Is there a phrase ‘shyly excited’ or ‘excitedly shy’? I was feeling that. He proposed me from across the miles and I accepted. It was inevitable in some way and somehow, I knew it all along that this is going to happen though I had dated other people.

A meek ‘hi!’ escaped from my lips and I just smiled. Had it been any other time, we would have been in a group shouting and cheering. His friends would have asked him which poison has he bought and then gang up to finish it. I remember us converting the dollars to rupees. If somebody used to spill a drop of the drink, we used to say that 50 Rs is gone.

We headed towards their apartment. It was the same place where I had met his gang of friends, the gang whom I named albeit fondly, the Trophy gang. They had this habit of lining up empty bottles-alcohol, deodorants, water, coke, and even ash-trays, as if they were some trophy. It was the same place where we had strummed the guitar and sang ourselves hoarse. I am sure the boys had their own pet peeves for having to run and get dressed, to look decent when a girl was visiting unannounced, while they laid nonchalantly in their bare basics on a hot summer day.

We met M in the apartment. Came to know B had moved out with his girlfriend in another flat and C had moved with his sister. M will be married in another 3 months and he decided to retain the flat. So, he would be staying with M for a month. The gang would be coming in the evening again I was told.

The room was suddenly quiet. I didn’t know what to do and took a bubble wrap from one of his gift items, and started bursting one by one. He took it from my hands suddenly and gave me his palm. He asked me to read his palm as I had often boasted of knowing palmistry. I played along. I traced the lines of his palm with all seriousness knowing very well, the trap. This was not a handshake; this was not our high fives, this was the first touch of new lovers.