Wednesday, December 23, 2009


10 yrs back, my parents sent me to Bangalore to give me a normal (and better) life, far way from the bombs and guns, while they chose loneliness for themselves. i packed all my childhood dreams into one suitcase, and left home. Now, i have booked a flat in Bangalore. i am extremely happy to have done it, but i felt a pang of guilt thinking i may never go back. i hope age catches up with my parents and in-laws a tad slow, and they are able to travel and stay with us for sometime.

Well, 2009 has been a year of learning for me. S' brother passed way leaving 2 young children. He was a single parent too. i lost a friend in childbirth. The baby survived. She didn't. i lost both my grandmas, two strong women, widowed at a very young age, and who struggled to bring their children up. One was 100 and the other was 98.

2009 was the year when my honeymoon period ended and i woke up to responsibilities. i learnt the difference between donating money and giving money out of commitment. While courting, S told me that he is sponsoring the education of a boy, his brother and kid sister. i felt 'wow' that is so nice, the ideal family man etc. Living it out was difficult, in fact, very difficult, being someone who has always believed in 'retail therapy' even for mood swings. We had to think about the two children too, while S faced the recession with no salary for a few months, job insecurity and pay cuts. i had to have a paradigm shift to be able to accept things the way they were and expect less.
Got the benefit of being married to a large family when his younger siblings did well. S felt like a proud parent and i did too.

2009 was the year when my assertive skills and patience were tested when the in-laws came to live with us for a couple of months. Been on my own for almost a decade and then to have someone, suddenly tell you how to dress, cook, and behave was killing. i felt claustrophobic, i felt like tearing my hair apart. i often thought of speaking my mind and refusing outright, but when i saw the mother-son-father laughing over coffee, i did not have the heart to speak out or say that our values were different in some cases. in the end, i ended up being good friends with my ma-in-law and i heard she raves about me at home. S is very proud about it, though i still feel i have to get even with him.

2009 was the year when my dream for a flat got big, bigger, vanished and then came back with a bang. Went all across Bangalore in an auto for site visits for a year. We were tempted to change the game plan and go for a car instead, but i am glad we didn't. Finally, booked a flat the first time we saw it after all the merry-go-round. Just like getting married!

2009 made me question myself at times, "why did i get married?" cos i often came back late from work, stressed, tired and famished to an empty house as S worked even more late in his new job. Sometimes, i sat alone and cried just to realize i am very hungry and raided the refrigerator. A full stomach translated to positive thoughts that said, we are in it together :-)

2009 gave me the opportunity to work in a new organization with some amazing colleagues. Unfortunately, many have left the place. Filling Station, Kormangala became our once-in-a-month adda where we laughed and bonded after work.

2009 gave me the opportunity to perform the Salsa with a colleague of mine. i enjoyed it thoroughly. i also had the chance to go for an ‘all women trip’ to Hampi. Boy, it was fun. also managed a couple of breaks with S- Wayanad, Yercaud, Ooty, Conoor etc.

2009 made me stronger as a person and taught me life skills. Very early in the marriage, i have realized it needs a lot more giving.

2009 made me see that the eye-candy at work is about 5 yrs younger than me. When did men become so young and i, so old!

2009 made me addicted to Farmville. (got it while waiting for S to come home). He might just ask me to choose between him and Farmville. i am choosing Farmville!!! :-)

Saturday, December 12, 2009

earth without maps

"My darling. I'm waiting for you. How long is the day in the dark? Or a week? The fire is gone, and I'm horribly cold. I really should drag myself outside but then there'd be the sun. I'm afraid I waste the light on the paintings, not writing these words. We die. We die rich with lovers and tribes, tastes we have swallowed, bodies we've entered and swum up like rivers. Fears we've hidden in - like this wretched cave. I want all this marked on my body. Where the real countries are. Not boundaries drawn on maps with the names of powerful men. I know you'll come carry me out to the Palace of Winds. That's what I've wanted: to walk in such a place with you. With friends, on an earth without maps. The lamp has gone out and I'm writing in the darkness." Katharine in The English Patient

looks like I'll have just one more post this year, a 'goodbye 2009' post. I am indulging in many other things other than blogging though I know, I'll always come back here.
Lot's of things happening in my life.