life and its ways

I turn another year older and a lot crazier. My son wished me and asked what I wanted for a gift - a jacket, leggings, shirt, or a bag and that made my day. He is 5 years old. In his words, 5 years and 7 months it would be. :-) He said we need to invite people and throw a party and the list consisted of  his friends only.

Well, I wanted to update on what happened next after I landed with a job offer since I am blogging frequently at the rate of one post per year. :-) I got pregnant when my EAD came and did not take up the job offer. What a climax, literally and metaphorically, I mean. We are blessed with another baby, this time, a baby girl and I went to the moon and back. Feel so blessed. I used to think that people who have twins are lucky. Even if they struggle the initial years, the kids grow up and you are free to have your own lives again, but oh, this tenderness you feel all over again, the cuteness of a new born! Can you feel the love in this post?! I am so glad I did not have twins earlier.

Mom is here to help me out, and she makes fun of me that should my daughter marry at my age, I will be with a walking stick. :-) I laugh a lot with her, and fight over the care of the baby too, but I feel blessed for every moment she is here.

(Typed this post in January, but I am publishing it only now after mom has left for India, and the baby is 4 months old. )

Getting a job in the U.S

I will write a long post on how to get a job in the U.S after I get one. I have an idea. :-) Well, I did get an offer, but I have not joined yet. So, it is like this: I was hoping for baby no.2 when I got my work permit, the so called EAD for dependent visas. I was so engrossed with raising my son, that my thoughts were uni-directional, it is as if, if I have another kid, I cannot work. So, I did not bother searching for a job, or upgrading my skills. Then, one fine day, I fell out with some very close friends of mine. Yes, the sisterhood broke and my world fell apart. I am putting it lightly here, but if I could write a song on that heart break, and if Adelle sang it, it would be record shattering; it is just that I have spelled "Adele" wrong. I added an extra 'l' out of self-pity. I am not yet pregnant, my son is turning 5 in May, and I have fought with some very good friends. Adelllllllllle, sing my song of heartbreak!

If it was a boyfriend, like in the past, I would have cried but looked ahead. Relationships come with a certain expectation from each other, but the friends you chose, there is no ego, there are no expectations, you bare all, and you are accepted  just as yourself and when that falls apart, it really hurts. You don't know anymore what to do, what to speak, to be yourself, or not to be, and worst is that as adults, if you are in the same social circle, what do you do? And since you have kids, it is even more difficult. You want to be a role model for your kids, and have to pretend for their sake that everything is alright. I went to a really dark place. I had to see Watsapp status and Facebook updates that kind of read out loud to me,"You suck!". I didn't know where to look, what to do and had to uninstall the app, and be quiet on FB for sometime. If we were teens, maybe I could scream "cyber bullying", shaming me because I questioned, or did not agree with your thinking; as we are adults inching 40, you can call it "Attitude", and I had no excuse for myself. It was also very embarrassing in front of my husband for some reason. He has always hated social dos and I have been the social butterfly, AND cut my own wings. I genuinely believed I am good in people relationships, and since this happened with people very close, there was self doubt too.

So, when all of these happened, I reached a stage where I asked myself if I came to the U.S for this, "why me?", and prayed to God to give me that strength and grace to come out of it. I have ten years of corporate experience, some in fortune 100 companies, with no personal issues (this is just to cheer myself up. I also looked up the rankings of some of the MNCs that I worked for). I have been living on my own since 19, and have maintained good relationships with people. why me! why me!

I started thinking that I need to be busier than I am, and started talking to my ex-colleagues who are in the U.S with jobs. Getting busy doesn't really solve personal issues; it requires work, it requires compassion, and kindness and shedding egos. I will not dwell more into that, but this issue was what drove me out of my comfort zone, or from the fear of trying out. I had also kept a deadline once upon a time that if I did not get pregnant by year end, I should think about my career. One of my ex-colleagues recently had her second baby and she continued to work. She reprimanded me, and said that you could work and still have a baby, just like the Steve Jobs movie, where he was shouted at,"you don't have to be an a**hole to be a genius; you can be a genius and still be a nice person; it is not binary." She said I am too smart to be sitting at home. I know, it doesn't mean stay-at-home moms are dumb, but at that point, her words resonated very well. Bah, I was waiting for this!

I updated my resume after getting this enlightenment and started taking interviews. I did not know that I would be offered in my first interview. It was a job, which is not in my line of work, but it would be close to home, and it would be good for a start, and at least, it had the word "Technical" in it. :-) I was supposed to join 2 days from now, but while the enlightenment was happening, my EAD expired and though I have applied for renewal, it hasn't come yet. The not-so-important job, ok-for-a-start has suddenly become all so important, and I am left waiting for the mail everyday!!!

weight

And the weight we carry,
of the secrets we keep,
even from ourselves

The Vicious Kind

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale

I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

Watched the movie, "The Vicious Kind" sometime back. Perhaps, that is why I hated Hasee to Phasee. Though it is a movie on different plains, but the sibling's lover theme is kinda similar. I liked the not so popular hindi movie, "Sorry Brother" too. Anyway, in short,this is about a man who has recently been dumped by his girlfriend. He is estranged from his father too, and has been insomniac for sometime. Then comes his brother's girlfriend on Thanksgiving. He is sure she is vicious and wants to ward her away and protect his little brother; he warns her to stay away from his brother, yet he cannot leave her alone. It is almost like a dark comedy, but a good watch.

Watch it without kids. :-) Now that I am a parent, I think about such things. 

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

At the curtain’s call
It's the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you've made

Don't wanna let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't wanna hide the truth ~Imagine Dragons

Why Hasee toh Phasee Did Not Work For Me

Watched Hasee Toh Phasee sometime back. I am guessing most of you must have known the plot by now. This is not a review. I just want to rant that it did not work for me. Well, I love the lead pair and the songs and the comic timings et al. All I want to say is, for someone who has been committed for 7 years to be shaken and feel that he has found his soulmate only in a matter of few days, that too while he is preparing for his wedding, there has to be some sort of a fatal attraction, or sizzling chemistry between the two. Nah, by just tying the knots of her blouse, it doesn't say it all. I am not asking them to kiss or make-out, though I wouldn't have minded that. The movie ended while I was waiting for something to happen between the two. Remember the rain dance of Kuch Kuch Hota Hain? You could feel the strong vibe between the lead pair even without doing much (if Bollywood doesn't want to do it.) Of course I was a teenager when KKHH came, and now, I am heading towards mid-life crisis, so it could be just me. Will write about a better movie next time.

I am waiting for the hubby to fly back from California. It's 11.42 pm now. The flight should have reached Chicago airport. Son is sleeping blissfully. He opened his eyes and asked me for the phone, and slept again before I could reply. Oh, how does it feel when your child calls you 'mama' so lovingly and looks at your soul with those sinless eyes! 

Stuck in Love

"I could hear my heart beating. I could hear everyone's heart. I could hear the human noise we sat there making, not one of us moving, not even when the room went dark.” ~ 

Raymond Carter, What We Talk About When We Talk About Love. 

This is a line that the actor quoted, saying this is one book that influenced his writing.

Well, since it is Valentine's Day, I thought I must write about this movie, Stuck in Love that I watched sometime back. I am thinking I'd rather write about movies that you could have missed rather than the obvious blockbusters unless I watch them in the first week. 

It is about a writer who keeps snooping on his ex-wife (Jennifer Connelly) hoping that she would come back some day, and their two children and how they deal with love. Jennifer Connelly is one woman I am crazy about, so I would recommend this movie on her strength alone, but this movie has some hilarious and sweet moments too, and very good actors.

Their children both teenagers, a daughter (Lily Collins. Found out she is Phil Collin's daughter) who is becoming a published author and a son who is also on the verge of becoming one, carry baggage of their own and maneuver through their love lives.  One is a headstrong independent, and self-assured young woman who cares two hoots about commitment and one is going through his first pangs of desire. 

This movie has got romance, drama, and comedy all in one. The characters are lovable and though it seemed impossible, I rooted for the estranged couple to somehow find their way back to each other.  Loved it loved it loved it. 

Also watched the critically acclaimed Blue Valentine. Do not watch it on Valentine's Day. :-)

A moment

Sometimes, you meet a person no matter in what circumstance you are, and you feel you have some moments with that person, even if they are unsaid or unspoken, and you wonder if you should hang on to those moments. This is what the the lady said to Colin Farrell in the movie, Dead Man Down. 

Earlier, I did not like Colin Farrell that much, but he seems good, and his face is quite interesting.  He plays a Hungarian guy in this movie, whose family had been wiped out by the real estate mafia, when they refused to vacate the premises. He infiltrated them to take revenge. Meanwhile, a lady in the neighborhood befriends him, and soon he finds out that she has a mission of her own.Very good acting by the leading lady, Noomi Rapace (Girl with dragon tattoo fame)  too.

After the baby, it had become very difficult to watch movies. 2013 was an embarrassment in terms of books too. I am slowly trying to get back to the things that I love other than my son. I watch anything that is available while the kid is sleeping, and I was so glad this movie did not disappoint me.

And another year ends

Did some mindless shopping. Do not even want to get into what happened this year. 2013 was about enduring the consequences or the fall out of 2012. i endured, and life continues. i am trying to tell the stories, but the words are difficult at this moment. i do not know if i can ever be candid as before about my life anymore. It is maturity, age, and also motherhood.  However, like humming a long forgotten song, i had this sudden urge to blog and did not have the time to care, or to think about doing it in another place. This is where i belong, warts, punctuation errors and all.

We have the New Year's party coming up at a friend's place. We decided to dress up and jazz it up with a lot of activities and games. Hubby has been driving me around for all the shopping. Took one selfie after another and shared with friends straight from the fitting room. Well, i realize you can live your life shallow like this, dressing up, dressing down and then planning what to wear for the next party or get-together. Some people do this not to go crazy, and find depth in the shallowness. Not getting me?!

Tomorrow will be another day, but for now, the night is young...

Tonight
We are young
So let's set the world on fire
we can burn brighter
Than the sun ~ Fun, Some Nights

The Mistress

The mistress said, "Although, our relationship did not start in the right way, I loved you."  This is a dialogue from a Korean serial that I just finished watching, called The Inheritors, or The Heirs. The statement was profound enough to make me feel like saving it and sharing it somewhere. She is not the main protagonist, and her character seemed shallow but towards the end of the serial, I started liking her a lot.

Sometimes we end up liking the wrong person, and making the wrong choices in life, for 'love' as you call it, but like her, if it is another woman's husband, house, or marriage for that matter that you are trying to call your own, the guilt of having done that wrong often outweighs the happiness that you think you have received. This was her, blaming herself when things did not go right. But one thing was true, she did love the man and she said it when she was moving out of his house.  Sometimes, i feel 'love' is also about not acting on it.

Coming back to the serial, it is a hugely popular one in the Asian region starring Lee Min Ho, one of my favorite young actors (damn, they are all younger than me. But recently, I have a thing for younger men, no? What else can one do, actors that I grew liking are reaching adult diaper days, and i am reminded of my Auntijiness)

It is about rich kids who are groomed to be heirs and heiresses of their business empires, what lengths the parents go to uphold the family name, and what happens when this guy, (Lee Min Ho) fall for a commoner, while he has to bear the weight of his crown. It is a 20 episode drama. Enjoyed it.

owe it to some of you

i should have given a logical end to my blog if i stopped when i left India, and had a baby. After 8 years, it would have seemed fair and looked like the proverbial,'She lived happily ever after'. i continued however, and it doesn't seem right to end abrubtly. i owe it to some of you, who have been reading me for so long. So, i am thinking i must continue, but i would like to change the settings of my blog, and open it to invited readers only. Please do leave your email address at arunima at gmail dot com if you would want to be invited. To those of you with whom i am not comfortable sharing my life anymore with, i bid adieu. Thanks for reading Silent Eloquence, and i hope 2013 is good for you.

give me

Dear festival of lights,

This year has been about rounds and rounds of hospital visits, from emergency rooms to the scheduled ones. We are just back from an emergency room visit at midnight and subsequent hospitalization. The old adage that health is wealth is so true. From darkness to light, from despair to hope, lead us to good health. If this is destiny, grant me the strength and the grace to face it.

accidents

Accidents happen. Sometimes, they are called diaper leakage.

words

Baby

Anxiety

Tenderness

Miracle   

Peace

Love 

 

Delight

Fascination

Joy

and again

The tyres screeched and then a bang! My baby started crying suddenly. i cannot put in words what i felt in that second. Thank God, nothing happened. Well, the car behind us had rear-ended our car. We were at an intersection, stopping at a red signal. With the baby, S is a very careful driver. The other driver apologised profusely, but it has left me a little shaken about taking him out. i wanted to hug him and pacify, but you cannot remove the baby from the car-seat immediately. This might be just the heart of a mother, but the most painful road safety rule in the U.S is not being able to hold your child while you are driving. Yet, i have to thank the car-seat for the safety of my child in that accident. If he was in my arms, he could have been hurt.

We  moved to Illinois at the end of July and S is yet to get his driving license from here. If we report to the police, it goes against the car and the driver that the car has been in an accident no matter whose fault. We were worried that this may hinder S from getting the license and decided not to report, and go via the insurance. i still do not know how to drive (this has been my new year resolution for many years. Darn, i make it like going to mars), and S has been doing all the driving for every small thing. As new parents, we are also struggling with the baby and trying to get to a routine.

i don't know if it is the hormones; after the baby, i have been crying for every small thing. So, let me cry for what could have happened (my baby could have been hurt), what did not happen (o thank God, we are all safe), and what happened (it is our brand new car and we need to change the bumper and some parts).

To release tension, i called up mother-in-law and reported the incident. The conversation went to another direction about God and me not praying enough or offering enough to God as i had been bed-ridden once after an accident. i am spiritual, but not too much into homas and pujas. S was pissed with me for instigating this to the mom-in-law and made me sound like a hypocrite. Going forward, all tension will be released on my blog.

A friend had suggested we go for apple picking this weekend to some place which is an hour's drive from here. i have decided to pick apples from the refrigerator instead.

when you have a baby

When you have a baby: 

• You stand in front of the mirror at midnight and chop your long tresses off because you forgot when was the last time you washed it.
• Having a nice shower is a luxury and 11pm, 12 or, sometimes 1 am is the right time.
• You are changing all the time - the diaper, the clothes, or the bibs.
• The baby is smelling fresh and nice while you smell... nevermind!
• You wonder what is sleep, and you can do it while sitting.
• You are confident that someday you can sleep while standing too.
• Rock a bye baby is classic rock, and bloody mary and her lamb is suddenly all so important.
• Tummy time is olympics to you.
• You act like a clown to entertain the baby.
• The longest road trip is to the grocer.
• Sex is what you tick in a form as male/female/other.
• The universe and all the galaxies revolve around your little one.
• You feel disconnected when friends mail you about their problems in life.
• You click pictures of every gesture of the baby and send it to unsuspecting relatives.
• You don't know who cries more when baby gets vaccinated and stay awake the whole night to soothe the little one in your arms.

 

a song

Diaper diaper
diaper in the morning
diaper in the noontime
diaper diaper
diaper when the sun goes down
                                                    ~ Broke back mommy :-)

Mission - bathing the baby

i never knew bathing such a tiny person would take such a long time. The doc told us not to bathe the baby until his cord stump would fall off, and we should give him just a sponge bath, if at all. Baby's hair was not smelling good anymore and S and i were on a mission, 'bathe the baby'. We planned so much, and it was time for execution.
We set the room temperature right and S removed baby's clothes. (It took him forever). Then, we took him to the bathroom. The tubs that are available here has a mesh so that the baby's head would be supported by the tub and water would drip off easily. Ok, if we place the baby on the mesh, then how do we lift the head up? There is no space for that so, the baby has to be held by someone and the other has to bathe because if we pour water directly, it may go inside his ears. We could not decide whether to wash the body first or the head. (So much for planning) and while we were doing this, the baby pooped on S and some fell on the floor. S screamed out, 'do something'. What am i supposed to do! The focus suddenly went from baby to S and the floor. i ran and got some paper towels and wiped the floor. The baby, by this time was crying his lungs out as S has kept him dangling in the air. S handed him over to me and removed his shorts. i was visibly pissed as he had been concentrating on himself. i am his wife and i didn't really care in what state of undress he was, i wanted my baby to have a bath. S also found a towel and wrapped himself. i was so angry by then that my pout was about to reach India. S held him and we started bathing him. Baby was still crying and in that anxiety, i poured more water than required, which wet his ears. S reacted. We threw some unpleasant adjectives at each other. In the twenty minutes, we managed to wash only his hair and legs, and decided to leave the rest. My baby was just about 21 inches then. :-) We promised each other to plan better and also ignore smelly hair for sometime.

Now, it is a thing of the past and i bathe my baby effortlessly. It is fun remembering.

does it pain?

Baby farts loudly and cries with a start.

concerned mom: Why is he crying? Is he in pain?
cool dad: He must be startled by his own sound. Does it pain when you fart?

P.S: started typing a long post, but never got the time to finish. Just keeping the blog alive.

While I am lifting his legs and busy cleaning his bum, he sends out a pee projectile in the opposite direction and messes up the whole place all over again. Baby boys, I tell you!

My boy has started smiling and making choo chee sounds. I wish I was Karunanidhi in his powerful days. Would have called his sounds poetry and make it part of the state syllabus. Remember, his daughter Kanimozhi Karunanidhi's poems were in the state syllabus. It is a different thing that the moment Amma came to power, she scrapped it. lols

I have also gone back to my pre-pregnancy weight in just 6 weeks time. If I was some Aish, people would have spoken about it. I have no red carpet or media waiting for me, and I was not so keen on losing it so fast, but it has happened.
ok, I am running for now. more later. baby crying.

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And there is joy

Blessed with a baby boy. After 24 hours of induced labour, i had to go through a C-section to have my little one. Haven't slept in days, and blogging seem too ambitious at this point in time, but i shall keep trying.

A love affair starts, where i will happily sacrifice. Cried the first time i saw and held him. After a trying and painful day, both mental and physical, there is hope when the little bundle sleeps or shows a hint of a smile.