Wednesday, November 03, 2004

career and the other side

I see myself quest for something. Wait for something to happen. What? I don't know.

I am embarking on the threshold of another career. yes, I have refused to be happy doing one thing but I don't know if it is going to be the right move. Got an offer to be a HR consultant.

It was nice to see in the end of a documentary being rolled on the screen,"Script: Miss Kshetrimayum" but after almost 2 years into content and copywriting, I suddenly feel my creativity gone haywire.

I have been a consultant before but it was into sales. Did well, earned perks sometimes triple my salary. Learnt that you have to see yourself to sell anything. To sell emotionally and logically. It often happens the client buys cos they liked you.

We were trained to dress, sit, talk, keep eye-contact, win the wife as husband would follow suit(it really works guys;-) ) and never to give up.

Before the clients signed the deal, they would ask,"should we?" I would smile and say reassuringly, 'yes'. 'Yes' because it would mean I would be getting my commission per deal and the deposit they made. 'yes' cos it was supposed to be my job. 'yes' cos I had to grow and I did become the rep of the Branch Manager and reported to him directly jumping other seniors. But as I said, 'yes' a niggling voice within me asked," are you sure?"

I left cos I was not sure of what I was selling and why I was a consultant.

I don't know at this juncture, if it is going to be funereal attempt to shift and if my career would fizzle out into a disaster. I had plans though of retirement. I Wanted to open a creche, keep an aaya per kid, watch them, wonder at their innocence and elude myself from the real world.

On the other side, thoughts some wavering, some surreal clashes and crashes against each other like the waves do, incassent and tireless.

I feel like having a lover(don't raise your eyebrows) with pride, with pleasure, sensual, emotional and every kind of feeling wild or tender that boils down the gut or placid and serene that supposedly goes with the act of love.

It should be better, creative and surpass the knowledge that I have from the hazaar novels that i sniffed and supped.

Will it be possible when you can't even hold hands without loving? To love someone with every fibre of your being one moment and then to forget that he existed in the next and just let go?

Why can't I help pitying those people who give themselves up so easily and surrender to passion even without knowing how it is to really love someone in every sense of the word?

I get emotionally attached to people whom I care for or care about. Once he gets upgraded to the level,'more-than-friends' alarms start ringing ." Now what?", "where are we heading?", "Is he Mr. right?" ," Are we getting married?","if not what are we doing?"

Often I spill it out and spoil it. They say, happiness is in the journey but I want my destiny chalked out. I don't want to go for any tempting parking spaces. Heck am I missing something in life?

this is not what i was thinking while meditating, it just came out.


Anbu said...

Its never late to contemplate and think about ur future.But ur views in lover are unclear.When u feel a need for lover why r u worried about those alarm bells?

Pallavi said...

hmmm well you are entering a new phase of life which will take you through new surprises... again I say dont weep over bygones... it means that it was never meant to be permanent... look out for permanence in the present that is about to unfold for you...

meditation definitely has its benefits... you asking questions and you will find your answers...

Stone said...

We are more "WHOLE" when we lack something.
Yes, its journey that matters more than destination.
If one doesn't enjoys the journey, will probably not reach the destination at all.

I feel, Love is a simple emotion, dunno why we keep on complicating it. More we chase it, more it eludes us.
And submitting to moments of passion is nothing but weakness of mind and character.

Meditation: isn't it about being peace with oneself?

Destiny, to sab 'karmas' ka funda hai :-)

Braveheart said...

Well, its been said by Pirsig in ZAMM - "Sometimes, its better to travel than to arrive." And its certainly true!

But keeping an eye on destination is not forbidden. He only emphasizes that you should enjoy the journey too.

On the other hand, Love is a simple feeling, a mix of certain emotions. But the first thing that happens to you, when you are actually in love, is loosening up. The stiffness in the mind is gone. The focus is right and you become very sure of yourself. I dont see that in your post.

The problem is that you are searching for it outside. If its there, its there. You can't find it like that.

But then, not everybody finds love. So your mind always makes a compromise. Or looks around for a compromising situation. Are your feeling it?


Surinder said...

well if u got ur destiny all chalked out .. i'm sure u'll not like it :) ..

i guess the fun of living is that unexpected turn

got this somewhere .. if a man knowns his future, does he have one?


Truly Me said...

Life aur career me kuchh na kuchh interesting hote rehna maangta hai! rite? ;)

manuscrypts said...

yippeee, where do i send my resume?? ;)

Sameer said...

It's easy to say that one should do what one truly wants and desires to do, but from all that i have seen in my life, it is really the hardest thing to actually have the guts go ahead and do it.

From where I see it, you can either go ahead and choose your destiny, or have your fate inflicted upon you.

I say bravo!

MMN said...

HR eh? MMN adds another name to the "List of people to kill" and keeps the list safely :P
Best of luck on your new career :)

Anonymous said...

Waiting for new posts!!


shobz said...

when there is a quest, when you seek, you will find what you really need. trust your instincts. you'll be happy. whenever. always
luc and lots of it

ree said...

One thing we often forget, in seeing everyone around us make the same emotional mistakes, is that, even for that seeming sameness, we are all still unique in our selves; what is joy in one could be torture to another, and vice versa.

How we react to another's folly or emancipation is indicative of what enervates or disgusts us; it also tells us, if we dare that self-analysis, what might be best encouraged or curtailed in us...what self-growth we might push ourselves upwards too.

Oh yes, joy is in the journey. But that doesn't mean joy merely lies in hedonism, or that no journey can be worthy without it. If there must be joy, shouldn't it behoove us to find it in improving the very belief-systems that lend meaning to our strivings?

I believe in ideals, and I believe that we will always be inadequate, in love or in anything we do, if we do not bring into every effort the desire for self-sufficiency...and it all starts at the emotional level.

Let me put in another way: the best gift I might give to my partner, other than time, is a Me, or a Self, sufficient and complete enough, to love and cherish without expecting anything in return. Call it hedonism, but from the perspective of true opposed to true taking.

It is good to wait sometimes, to know that the sunrise will come in its own time, or that the moon will surely come out from that huge cloud soon. But I think, while we wait, we might be better off investing the very qualities we wait for in ourselves, so that when what we expect for comes, we will be ready to meet it, but not to merely receive, but to give.

I call it completion meeting completion. I call it a life forgiving and accepting itself. I call it a meeting of soulmates. I call it joy in the journey. I making sense?

Raghu said...

Have you found your lover ?