Hang in there

Hang in there, little one. i can hear you. Are you doing the salsa inside to cheer me up and lift my mood, to calm the head that has a never-ending list and forgotten to comb?

It is another 5 days, and 10 things to complete, but i know, i must. The list is made. It is only about striking them off and enjoying the feeling. When i am down, suddenly you kick and let me know that you are bursting with life, and give me reason to stay calm and hope, hope for everything that is beautiful and sweet. Longing to hold the little fingers and forget all pain. So for now, hang in there, little one. 

flying again

This New Year has been the most eventful one for me. i am flying again to the U.S. If i do not travel now, i might just be the next lady to appear in the papers for delivering on the flight while crossing some ocean or something. i want to be famous, but not for this. i have been setting up the house thinking S would be coming back, but we decided suddenly that it would be better if i do not work for sometime and be with him. My management has been very supportive at work that i feel terrible having to go.

Anyway, i had to get my broadband cancelled. BSNL exchange near my house just vanished. Me and my big brother went to 4 offices of BSNL to finally get my broadband and landline cancelled. My to-do list has never ended after that. i feel that even when i put one foot on the flight, i would still have something to finish before i leave. i put up ads and got a tenant for my flat, but 3 days after moving, they wanted to move out as the guy's office is shifting to another end of Bangalore. i don't know why it was happening to me. Living on my own during pregnancy was not enough, i had to pack, move house, find another tenant all over again. Now, the agreement process for rental has also changed and you need to get the docs Franked in the sub-registrar's office. Frankly, i didn't know what was Franking until now. i have got another couple now, and still have to do the rental agreement with them. Then my doc said, i need to get the fit-to-fly certificate only 48 hours before the flight. i fly on the 1st of feb, so i have to run to Columbia Asia, Hebbal all the way from the city center. Tried sending my two-wheeler home, and there too, i had to prove my foolishness by giving all the keys, and original docs to the guy. Colleagues chided me, i lost sleep and ran behind that guy to give me back the original docs again. Typing the events out is much easier than what i actually went through. i am yet to get the NOC from the RTO, and wrap up many more things before i leave Bangalore. i am in my 6th month of pregnancy now. The baby has been kicking too. i guess i am supposed to be feeling calm, listening to good music, eating good food, and relaxing. Other than the eating part, have done none of the above. i have only been praying that i reach the husband safe and sound. Don't want to end on a negative note. So, for some cheer, i have an amazing boss and very good colleagues. Imagine my plight if it was an evil boss behind my neck to finish a lot of work in the office too. My responsibilities have been eased. i get work-from-home option for many days a week, and colleagues support me in many of the things that i listed, with their know-hows and contacts. Sulekha and Commonfloor have been amazing sites to rent out my place. i couldn't sleep the night  my newly found tenant told me that they are moving out. They were themselves very upset as it was announced suddenly. And at 2 am, i still couldn't sleep and sang out loud, "Zindagi ka safar hai ye kaisa safar"  It was apt for my situation. 

that mail to Femina

i saw my mail to Femina when i visited the parlour a few weeks back. Was pleasantly surprised that they had highlighted the mail. i had a bad experience with how they handle the winning letters and do not feel like mailing them again, but i managed to click a pic of the mail for record's sake.

my true colours

The idea of a life without a child did not scare me one bit. i was OK with or without it as S often said, we could do much more for poorer relatives and under-privileged children that way, and we could roam the world. However, the accident changed everything for me. i hit the ground on my butts and the impact left my lower body in so much pain. i don't know from where, but the fear that i may in fact, never have a baby appeared to me suddenly. i remember being rushed to the nearest health center first. i was almost delirious and asked for a gynaec to see if everything is fine. My colleagues came rushing. Looking back, i am quiet embarrassed at how i cried and told them, (many of them males) about my fears and how i had summoned a gynaec. i was not as much bothered about how many bones were broken, but whether anything was wrong inside. i did not even get the word Uterus, but told the doc that my vagina and everything around it is paining. How embarrassing!  how embarrasing! i was shifted to a good ortho hospital and there too, i made the Director of my department ask the same question to the doc.

Well, then S travelled. i asked him to get me pregnant before he left when i could barely stand. Obviously, he refused. :-) So, my main intention when i went to the U.S was only to get pregnant. Like many bloggers who disclose only after the baby is born, i wanted to do that. But i guess that is not my personality. i have been managing the past 5 months of pregnancy on my own and if i do not disclose it on my blog, where else would i? i have bouts of depression and frustration at times, but i am extremely thankful to God and all my colleagues and friends who have supported me in these months.

On a funny note, when i met with the accident, i thanked God that i wore nice panties. i wondered if i had worn boring ones, how embarrasing it would be had i died and they had to conduct a post-mortem. Also, my Line of Busniess lead took them off for me, and the director of my department (both ladies) put it back as i had to take x-rays of the fractured hip bone. Some lucky panty i say! Should frame it up for sweet memories
:-)

not the right post for the new year

They say, writers are very lonely people in the head. i think i qualify that. Even in a crowd, i can be very lonely, though as a person i seem quite chirpy. My inner self is dark, very dark. i had every intention of deleting every post i had written so far. At a level, they seem so unrelated. what pleasure i would get out of it, i don't know. it is not even to begin life anew by deleting what is old, it is to lament in self-pity that something is gone. You may say, i can hurt. Yes, i can and i can hurt myself the most.

“They cannot scare me with their empty spaces

Between stars—on stars where no human race is.

I have it in me so much nearer home

To scare myself with my own desert places.”

― Robert Frost