life and its ways

I turn another year older and a lot crazier. My son wished me and asked what I wanted for a gift - a jacket, leggings, shirt, or a bag and that made my day. He is 5 years old. In his words, 5 years and 7 months it would be. :-) He said we need to invite people and throw a party and the list consisted of  his friends only.

Well, I wanted to update on what happened next after I landed with a job offer since I am blogging frequently at the rate of one post per year. :-) I got pregnant when my EAD came and did not take up the job offer. What a climax, literally and metaphorically, I mean. We are blessed with another baby, this time, a baby girl and I went to the moon and back. Feel so blessed. I used to think that people who have twins are lucky. Even if they struggle the initial years, the kids grow up and you are free to have your own lives again, but oh, this tenderness you feel all over again, the cuteness of a new born! Can you feel the love in this post?! I am so glad I did not have twins earlier.

Mom is here to help me out, and she makes fun of me that should my daughter marry at my age, I will be with a walking stick. :-) I laugh a lot with her, and fight over the care of the baby too, but I feel blessed for every moment she is here.

(Typed this post in January, but I am publishing it only now after mom has left for India, and the baby is 4 months old. )

Getting a job in the U.S

I will write a long post on how to get a job in the U.S after I get one. I have an idea. :-) Well, I did get an offer, but I have not joined yet. So, it is like this: I was hoping for baby no.2 when I got my work permit, the so called EAD for dependent visas. I was so engrossed with raising my son, that my thoughts were uni-directional, it is as if, if I have another kid, I cannot work. So, I did not bother searching for a job, or upgrading my skills. Then, one fine day, I fell out with some very close friends of mine. Yes, the sisterhood broke and my world fell apart. I am putting it lightly here, but if I could write a song on that heart break, and if Adelle sang it, it would be record shattering; it is just that I have spelled "Adele" wrong. I added an extra 'l' out of self-pity. I am not yet pregnant, my son is turning 5 in May, and I have fought with some very good friends. Adelllllllllle, sing my song of heartbreak!

If it was a boyfriend, like in the past, I would have cried but looked ahead. Relationships come with a certain expectation from each other, but the friends you chose, there is no ego, there are no expectations, you bare all, and you are accepted  just as yourself and when that falls apart, it really hurts. You don't know anymore what to do, what to speak, to be yourself, or not to be, and worst is that as adults, if you are in the same social circle, what do you do? And since you have kids, it is even more difficult. You want to be a role model for your kids, and have to pretend for their sake that everything is alright. I went to a really dark place. I had to see Watsapp status and Facebook updates that kind of read out loud to me,"You suck!". I didn't know where to look, what to do and had to uninstall the app, and be quiet on FB for sometime. If we were teens, maybe I could scream "cyber bullying", shaming me because I questioned, or did not agree with your thinking; as we are adults inching 40, you can call it "Attitude", and I had no excuse for myself. It was also very embarrassing in front of my husband for some reason. He has always hated social dos and I have been the social butterfly, AND cut my own wings. I genuinely believed I am good in people relationships, and since this happened with people very close, there was self doubt too.

So, when all of these happened, I reached a stage where I asked myself if I came to the U.S for this, "why me?", and prayed to God to give me that strength and grace to come out of it. I have ten years of corporate experience, some in fortune 100 companies, with no personal issues (this is just to cheer myself up. I also looked up the rankings of some of the MNCs that I worked for). I have been living on my own since 19, and have maintained good relationships with people. why me! why me!

I started thinking that I need to be busier than I am, and started talking to my ex-colleagues who are in the U.S with jobs. Getting busy doesn't really solve personal issues; it requires work, it requires compassion, and kindness and shedding egos. I will not dwell more into that, but this issue was what drove me out of my comfort zone, or from the fear of trying out. I had also kept a deadline once upon a time that if I did not get pregnant by year end, I should think about my career. One of my ex-colleagues recently had her second baby and she continued to work. She reprimanded me, and said that you could work and still have a baby, just like the Steve Jobs movie, where he was shouted at,"you don't have to be an a**hole to be a genius; you can be a genius and still be a nice person; it is not binary." She said I am too smart to be sitting at home. I know, it doesn't mean stay-at-home moms are dumb, but at that point, her words resonated very well. Bah, I was waiting for this!

I updated my resume after getting this enlightenment and started taking interviews. I did not know that I would be offered in my first interview. It was a job, which is not in my line of work, but it would be close to home, and it would be good for a start, and at least, it had the word "Technical" in it. :-) I was supposed to join 2 days from now, but while the enlightenment was happening, my EAD expired and though I have applied for renewal, it hasn't come yet. The not-so-important job, ok-for-a-start has suddenly become all so important, and I am left waiting for the mail everyday!!!

weight

And the weight we carry,
of the secrets we keep,
even from ourselves