Monday, May 03, 2010

Suicide

"Animals don't have a choice.
If they're not happy with their place in the world... too bad.
They have to live the life they've been given.

Humans, on the other hand, don't have to.
We have a choice.
If you don't like your place in the world
you can get off anytime you want.

Suicide. That's right.

You don't like the way your life's going,
you don't like the way you are in the world,
anything around you,
you can check out anytime you like.

Animals aren't allowed that thought
and believe me, if they were, they would use it.

There'd be a lot of dogs and cats, owned by assholes
that live in high-rises, diving out the windows.

Zebras... if they even had remotely that thought

would take a look at themselves and go, "What the F*#K!

Black & white in a green & brown world... this blows.

I'm just gonna jump in the river.... I don't have a thumb to work a gun or hold a knife or even open a jar of pills. I'm just gonna dive into the next lion's mouth. Why even bother?"

Now, monkeys have the opposable thumb so they could kinda do it the exact same way we do. Now, there's a bunch of people that say, "Oh, it's against the law". Well, it's only against the law if you do a crappy job and get caught. Other people say, "Oh, we should save them". Yeah, well you know what? Not everybody wants to be saved. Not everybody should be saved. And who are we to force our will upon them? I mean, isn't that one of the joys about being a human? Freedom of choice? Now, it's not all bad.

Now, I'm not saying "Kill yourself". But if you're gonna be an idiot and do it anyway, it's no sweat off of my back. There's a lot of good that could come from it. A little bit of bad thrown in. Some of the things: A job will open... An apartment will become available... There'll be more air for me... They say there's two girls for every guy - if you're a man, there'll be four chicks for me... There'll be more Ketel One vodka for me... There'll be one less idiot in line at the bank who gets up to the window without their F*#King slips filled out... I won't ever have to go to the store to buy my favorite Salt & Vinegar Chips and have the clerk point at you and say, "They bought the last bag".... You won't help change the McDonald's sign to a Hundred Billion Served... You'll never get AIDS... You won't have to worry about calories ever... No more, "Hey, does this make me look fat?"... There'll be one less polluting human...You won't have to recycle... There'll be one less car on the road... There'll be more Ring Dings for me... Fifty or so chickens' lives will be spared... Your fingers won't ever get red from eating pistachios... You won't be forced to visit your Grandparents on Sundays anymore... No more church... You'll be saying, "Hey, World - Kiss My Ass!"... No more wet dreams about Supermodels... No more Barry Manilow... For a few years anyway... Wondering "Am I a loser?" will be a thing of the past... Say good-bye to crappy Xmas presents from Aunts and Uncles... You won't have to suffer through a Motley Crue reunion... F*#K flossing and brushing... You'll never lose sleep over a pregnancy scare... Adios, Acne... Worrying whether you fit in or not won't be on your brain... See ya later, homework... You'll never have to sit through another movie brought to you by the creators of South Park... Schools out forever.... No more paying bills... You won't have to do chores... You won't be able to run over toads with the lawnmower though... You'll also miss McDonald's French Fries... Bugs Bunny... The amazing electrifying feeling that surges through your body when you kiss someone for the first time...

You won't be able to watch the letterbox director's cut of Jaws... Candy... Living above ground... Pudding crust... You'll miss the rush of getting your first apartment... Getting to the point in your life where you can tell your parents to "F*#K Off! I gotta make my own mistakes....you did"... You'll miss sex - you'll miss thinking about it, looking for it, sex by yourself, sex with a partner, sex with multiple partners.. No more summer nights that seem to go on forever... Roller coasters.... Naming your kid the name you always wanted... Making a difference in the world... You'll miss the experience and pleasure of Hallucinogenics... Watching your neighbor's wife change clothes with her blinds open...A lifetime of masturbating... Watching your favorite team sweep the series... Music... You will definitely miss music... Trying to sneak into your house drunk - three hours past your curfew... You'll miss the blaze and glory of the 4th of July fireworks... The taste of Captain Crunch... If you're a boy, you'll miss the feeling the first time you reach up a girl's shirt... If you're a girl, the feeling the first time you reach down a boy's pants... You'll miss your favorite coat... Waffles with whipped cream and strawberries... Beating your friends at video games... You won't be around to see what shape and color the new marshmallow in Lucky Charms will be... You'll miss the feeling you get when reminiscing about your first love - thirty years after the fact... The joy of giving and receiving at Christmas... Skinny dipping... Getting stoned, reading Green Eggs & Ham, and eating like a horse that got loose in the grain bin... Flying cars... Hey, you were born - Finish what was started."

Bobby Gaylor.

13 comments:

austere said...

well. duh.

abhilasha said...

thats insane..but thats the truth.. sarcasm at its best...

ricercar said...

lol. i loved this :-)
have you been peeping into the neighbours house, then?
that's one good reason to live! ha ha :-)

abhilasha said...

by the way... i also feel.. that this should also be read by ppl who have already committed suicide..so that they come to know..wat not to do in thr next birth... ;-)

AmitL said...

ROFL..Arunima, I really believed you thought those urself-till I saw the credits at the bottom.:)But still,good suggestions to give to suicidal thinkers?Incidentally,we had a supplier in the office yesterday,who said that if we didn't resolve his problems(And,they were really his problems related to his order,created due to his bungling),he'd commit suicide and leave all our('concerned'people) names in his farewell note..ROFL...coincidence to see ur post,today..might give him some of these advantages,if he turns up.

White Magpie said...

Umm but when you are ready to commit suicide, these things probably don't matter..

A good read though for those in between..

Mayank said...

Pretty interestin post Arunima :) .. Infact those who think of committin suicide, should be killed..lol.. bt ssly, well written..

Cheers :)

Aflame!! said...

Not sure why other comments were "lol"ing "rolf"ing at this!! But it is quite shcoking to read something like this from ya blog.. may be for the 1st time..!! (from the time I have been following)

Civilizations die from suicide, not by murder.
Arnold J. Toynbee

THE OUTSIDER said...

Most of the time suicide "attempt" is a cry for help and message to near ones when you survive and the last resort when you succeed.....but it was good to not down few yet to do things.

AmitL said...

Aflame,it was the sarcasm built in,in the post,that made me ROFL...though,of course,I agree-suicide's a serious topic and needs to be treated thusly.But then,maybe,just maybe,if people think of the positive side of not committing suicide,it'd be good?

Aflame!! said...

@AmitL: definitely Good -for life is just once.. ONLY once. you gotta choose to "LIVE" coz when it comes to death.. in its time it is absolutely unstoppable, here you aren't left with no choice

Night said...

Animals don't have birth control, mental asylums, and multiple choice questions either. Not that I don't appreciate what you are saying.

pinksocks said...

Sharp and sarcastic :) Lovely.